The feels

Its funny how sometimes you can forget what you did yesterday and yet, certain memories, smells and feelings can stick with you for the rest of your life.

That crazy, euphoric feeling of nostalgia that nestles somewhere within your subconscious, waiting for the trigger to take you right back to an exact moment in time and where for just a few intense seconds, has the ability to take your breath away all over again.

I love that feeling, particularly when it takes me back to a time where I met my cheeky Army soldier with his boyish good looks and all the charm to make me wobbly at the knees. With just a smell or a song, I’m right back there in Darwin, during the sweltering wet season build up of late 2002.

On that one particular balmy night, I am squished in the back of a station wagon with some new friends after fleeing from a secluded beach and Lifehouse’ song “Spin” is blasting over the stereo speakers as we make the bumpy journey down the dark, windy passage back to the main road.

If I am to hear this song today, I’m still there, butterflies making me feel sick and my trembling hand, gently brushing against his, with the sweet smell of my Ralph Lauren perfume lingering in the thick humid air surrounding us.

Up until this moment, I can honestly say I’ve never felt like that before. Sure, I would still experience nostalgia from time to time where I could recall childhood memories from the scent of coconut oil and zinc from days in the sun, but until I met Adam, there hadn’t been any songs or smells that attached themselves to a particular memory from any previous relationship.

I turned 35 recently. It seems the older I get the more I understand that there’s a part inside of me that refuses to acknowledge the amount of candles that decorate my cake. It seems that part of me, who still giggles like a child and dances with demons is in fact, having more fun than ever. As the years pass by, I am becoming more comfortable within myself, confident in my marriage and committed to my dreams and it feels as though, in many ways I am turning back the clock.

For my birthday, I received this gorgeous novel I’d once pointed out to Adam, that I desperately wanted. It’s a book that’s hard to describe as its not a regular kind of book. It’s a mixture of old fashioned romance and poetry combined to make up several short chapters. It is the perfect read for Shakespearean fans or for those who appreciate beautiful words.

Waking up to this little book, with its simple cover whispered so much more to me than just the poetry it held within. As Adam watched me silently, I felt the words he didn’t need to speak: “I listen to you, even when you think I don’t”

Upon opening the book which had traveled to me from the US, I found it was hand signed by the author. I burst in to tears, all over my incredible pink SUP board, another thoughtful and exciting gift that also had me in tears.

You see, I am a romantic. I love all things amorous and magical. I get swept away by romantic gestures, movies and books where I spend many a day living in my own little whimsical daydream. Nothing in my head is black and white. I live in a world of colour, regardless of the darkness that might at times, surround me.

I don’t cry often over things – but I DO cry like a baby when I feel grateful and overwhelmed by the people whom I love.

I am incredibly fortunate to have with me on this journey, a man who supports my unconventional way of living, who encourages and motivates me to be creative and to embrace my quirkiness and who never fails to make me see the sunshine on even the cloudiest of days.

You are my rock, Adam. You are the fire in my heart and the wild blood that runs through my veins. I can sit silently in a room with you and feel at peace or I could run with you through a wild fire and know I will come out, unscathed.

I love that I am living this life with my best friend. Love is too often hidden or avoided these days. It’s not a dirty secret. It is one of life’s most spectacular gifts and I am sick to death of people cowering from it. There is nothing scary about love and if you haven’t found it yet, then when you do, embrace the crap out of it and shout it to the stars.

You have one life and tomorrow is never promised to any one of us. Don’t spend your days in the shadows, holding back. Use your voice, engage your mind and open your heart.

Be weird. Be awkward. Be alive.

Start soaking up the details of memories you create with people you love. Inhale their scents deeply, listen carefully to the words and the harmony of the music and savour every precious second.

Start developing that nostalgic memory bank of yours and join the resistance! Love over all.

Happy Valentine’s Day ❤️

I wish to breathe silent words in to your ear

That convey something of my understanding

That life is short and precious

And I intend to benefit all of society,

And that I require a match,

A princess,

A fellow troublemaker

And whom to make love

And mischief

– Waylon Lewis