Today I feel exhausted.
I’m exhausted because I’m sick and tired of feeling like I’ve wasted yet another day.
I’m exhausted because in January I promised myself this year would be different. This was going to be my year.
I’m exhausted for feeling like I’m failing and not living up to my aspirations each and every day and for falling short of reaching my goals.
Mostly, I’m exhausted for thinking about being exhausted.
I was going to get outdoors more, live life on the edge, wake up with the sunrise and dance while it sets beyond the beaches.
I swore to myself I wouldn’t waste my days doing pointless things that would leave me feeling empty and unaccomplished.
I’d run more and drink less. I’d volunteer more and spend less. I’d get my kids off their devices and instead, take them outdoors on adventures!
I wanted to do things I’d never done before and go to places I’d never been. I had planned on checking things off my bucket list.
Importantly, I’d stop putting myself down and accept myself for all my flaws.
I’d love myself more. Heck, I even blogged about that.
And once again, here I am, back at square one. Im doing everything I was doing last year, where nothing much is of substance and I’m feeling as though the fire within me that was shining so bright just weeks ago, is starting to fizzle out.
I’m looking at at my reflection in the mirror, seeing a girl with too much make up on and no spark in her eyes. She looks tired. Bored. Frustrated.
That girl who is looking back at me right now, she exhausts me.
Turns out, after a good nights sleep and some much needed clarity, I’ve come to accept we just have…shitty days.
While so much positivity and self proclaimed “self love” is basically being shoved down our throats all over social media, we are forgetting that we are actually human and we can’t in fact, always be happy. We most certainly can not love ourselves every day. Well I know I can’t anyway.
Admittedly, I often loathe myself.
And while I appear to be a huge advocate for living a positive, upbeat lifestyle, behind the scene, I’m the biggest hypocrite. I’m a liar. A fraud.
The other day I dropped my kids off to school and I had no shoes on along with no bra. I went home to the most enormous mess and 3 baskets of washing. I picked up the breakfast plates, glanced around at all the chores I had to do, and then, I suppressed my guilty conscience and took myself back to bed.
Lazy, pointless, pathetic morning, right? Perhaps. But how can we possibly live every single moment of our lives being who society tells us we “should be”. People inspiring us left right and centre with their travel journal blogs and motivational videos. All these quotes. All these dam hashtags.
#fromwhereyoudratherbe #lovinglife #goodvibes #acaiiislife #blessed
Ugh. How about #Fuckoffff.
Yet, because we are addicted to our screens and always wanting more, like idiot robots, we watch. We stare as if we have no eyelids. We can’t look away. We want what they’re are selling to us so badly, and then when we can’t have it, we fall in to despair, desperate to spice up our own basic lives.
But like myself, they too, are frauds.
I get myself in to a state sometimes. I might have a trivial argument with my husband or get frustrated at myself for falling off my two week exercise regime. I’ll start feeling negative and emotional and subsequently, Ill get trapped inside my own head which, can be a hard place to escape.
Today, I went to do my groceries after school drop off, but instead, I decided to get out and enjoy some fresh air. I needed to get out of that dark place in my head. So rather than driving 10 minutes up the road to endure the hustle of the shopping centre and commence my mundane weekly grocery shop, I turned left. I pulled in to the service station, put some diesel in the tank and spontaneously hit the road to embark on a 40 minute journey toward Cedar creek falls.
So there I was. Sitting on the rocks, surrounded my the lush green forest of tambourine mountain, filling my lungs with the tropical air, my shoes off beside me and nothing but white noise from the cascading waterfalls blocking out the noise in my head.
I had no company. No washing. No groceries. No chores and no immediate plans.
Today, I acted on impulse. Instead of sticking to routine, I listened to my soul.
The drive out to the water falls was a beautiful scenic, country route and the walk was even better. It was soothing to escape reality for a few moments and temporarily put my mind at rest.
The reality is, this was beautiful and yet, I still managed to slip on my butt and land in the waters edge. The jacket I had tied around my waist was wet and muddy and a middle aged couple saw me slip, but pretended they didn’t. (which I think actually makes it more awkward?)
I trekked back, a little dirty, a little wet, but feeling revived.
On the drive home, I cranked my music. Old school Silverchair and the Dire Straits were blasting over Triple M on the speakers.
I was singing along really loudly.
I thought about going home and changing before I hit up the grocery store, but I decided against it. I didn’t care.
Was I feeling empowered? Maybe? Suffering a miniature breakdown? Probably more than likely.
Ha. Whatever you do, don’t believe the hype. No one lives a perfect, carefree life every single day. You can have great days, sure. But it is perfectly acceptable to have crappy days. Occasionally being an arsehole, or staying in your pjs all day and having a glass of wine at 10am is ok too.
*Cheers* (Wait, what?)
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to check off your bucket list and “live the good life”. Instead, try living for now and take each day with a grain of salt. Sure life is short, but for each minute you spend beating yourself up over unproductive days, or whining that you’re missing out on things, you’re only stealing away precious minutes of your today. Stop validating your bad days with, “It’s ok, I’ll start fresh tomorrow” because that’s bullshit. Accept that today was far from perfect, but you got through it. You learned something and you know what, you’re still bloody breathing.
And that’s what matters.
Speaking of now, it’s time for me to venture in to Aldi and assume my grocery shop. (I’m not getting out of that one!) I am damp and dirty, still mid argument with my other half, not really inspired and hardly motivated. I am however, content and I’m happy to be alive.
And that’s a start.
On a side note, I’ve just checked my reflection in the review mirror and… dam! I look almost illegally ugly today. 😱